they'll wreck the machinery! we're talking about a sandwich. lloyd? lloyd? lloyd. melvin takes pills. to show you what i'm talking about, let me introduce a sandwich. judy? judy. judith - is probably an assassin! tell your teacher all the ways you can have a sandwich. hehe, what excuse did he give?

as a change of pace... mommy knows they love me so. uh oh spaghettiOs! mommy knows they love me so. uh oh spaghettiOs! follow me into a playground of found sound as we bounce around town to break it down. these larger than life beats come from the heartbeats that defeat the elites and obsoletes. uh oh! the mighty sun has got your back. uh oh! i'll sing you through your heart attack. uh oh! i'm stuck inside your stereo. uh oh! uh oh! long as i'm here, let me quiet your fears while i'm drinking your beers over the next couple years. see, you have so much to worry about, and without any money, there's no easy way out. relax, retrace your tracks, replace your fear and superstition with the logical facts. it doesn't matter how much money you make if you take every day for granted, so here's my audio tape. uh oh! the mighty sun is on your side. uh oh! i'll push you down the slip and slide. uh oh! i'm stuck inside your stereo. uh oh! uh oh! mommy knows they love me so. uh oh spaghettiOs! mommy knows they love me so. uh oh spaghettiOs! i'm queen bee, that's me! this is just one of several significant things which are unique. the universe is such a merciless bitch. resist temptation to investigate the nature of bullshit. we're a blip on a screen, we barely even exist. we're so small and insignificant - you get the gist. you get so mad, and man, i can't understand it - all your problems and your plans are confined to one planet. there will always be somebody who is better than you, so put your hands in the air and let me do what i do. and then another, and then... my style won't reconcile with a genre, and you won't know what you've missed until i thrust it upon you. it's okay to feel afraid because you made some mistakes - how many taxes you paid, how many valium to take. when your dreams and aspirations are officially dashed, if your wallet holds a small amount of plastic or cash, or you can ask your mom and dad if they have money to lend, buy my record and remember that the sun is your friend. uh oh! the mighty sun will be in touch. uh oh! i'll regale you with my rhymes and such. uh oh! i'm stuck inside your stereo. uh oh! uh oh! mommy knows they love me so. uh oh spaghettiOs! mommy knows they love me so. uh oh spaghettiOs!

(i don't know what is being said in these samples, so if you can translate it, i would be so excited!) i feel awkward wherever i go, if it's a place i don't know or falls outside of my comfort zone. i feel like everybody's always looking at me to see what kind of asshole i will turn out to be. so when my friend pulls around and says, "how about we go downtown and get a booth at the imperial hookah lounge?" he's got this crazy expression on his face that says it doesn't matter what you say, i'm taking you anyway. a storefront in a strip mall, we park beside the hallmark, dark inside, find a table on the far wall. we gotta choose a flavor, how 'bout juicy green apple? bag of multigrain chips, and a kiwi strawberry snapple. a couple tokes in, we're told the show's about to begin. the lights go dim, and now the sound of something jingling. no fucking idea what's really happening here, and then the bellydancer appears, and i'm like, "oh, damn." see the amazing ways she sways her hips, attitude alluded to through ruby lips. okay, i like this better, put down my harvest cheddar sun chips. billowing smoke, unfolding and receding in the shadows as my mind begins to process what i'm seeing. undulating muscles, independent of each other. stunned by her beauty until suddenly i wonder if i'd ever get up the nerve to talk to her and what sort of quirky banter such endeavors would incur. a simple conversation wouldn't be an imposition. if they turned up the lights, i couldn't hide my disposition. i'm a nerd. in certain circles, that's a dirty word, but it means you can infer that i'm not part of the herd. i do what i truly want, and i don't care if it's cool or not, dinosaurs and spaceships and time travel and robots. it's a fruitless exercise to visualize her dread, stressed because i doubt she'll be impressed with my nerd cred. i'm sure that mightier guys than i have tried and failed, so i watch her dance; once again my confidence is derailed. oh, wait, i forgot - i'm a total fucking badass. i was cutting fucking records while you were still cutting class. i got all the best weapons in final fantasy X - i dodged lightning for three hours, i'm not even fucking kidding. i got 37 motherfucking alts in world of warcraft, built a tower the size of a fucking mountain in minecraft. so i devote an unhealthy amount of time to doctor who, but so what? who gives a fuck, my dick is bigger than YOU! i guess what i mean to say is everything will be okay. i'm all the right things to the kind of girl i'd like to date. this bellydancer isn't really out of my league, you see, we're playing different games in the same lame city. okay, i know it sounds like i'm just making excuses. i could try to get her number, but it's honestly useless. i could force a connection when it clearly isn't there, or buy a scimitar and find a bellydancer at a ren fair. she's still dancing, but i think i'd fancy some food. on the way to your place, try to locate a late-nite drive thru. holy fucking shit, she has a rebel alliance tattoo. yahoo! yah-hah!

deep down, underground in the nerd cave. i heard you hate math, so let's channel your nerd rage. here is your seat, here's your character sheet. meet the other players as i lay down the beat. and we'll order the pizza, bust open the freezer. grab a beer and pencil and whatever you need, man. mi casa es suya! booyeah! you wanna kick a little ass? i can give that to ya. so it begins, just friends kickin' back and chillin' and killin' some dragons. keeping it light, 'cuz a fight's not quite as tight as a night full of laughing. saved the day of course; that's what you came for. you had the time of your life when you thought you'd be bored. nerds are just people who like stuff. and we don't give a fuck. so put your hands up if you know what you like. just roll the die! choose your next move, and roll the die! everything will be all right. just put your hands up, we are living the life. just roll the die! be who you want to be, and roll the die! and we can go all night. saving other worlds isn't all we do; there's a slough of other parties you are welcome to come to! we bond at cons and fawn over joss whedon. i've heard most nerds are best friends with wil wheaton! what we have in common is that we're passionate about whatever it is that really makes us tick, be it science or movies or music or art, and we'll discuss over a tournament of mario kart (woohoo!) we live on the fringe, form a massive community. other people choose sports as their source of unity. haters hate 'cuz we graduated with honors, unless you're like me - school didn't have much to offer. we read books 'til we knew more than the teachers that taught us. not bragging, just tryin' to be honest. so enjoy the game and your airbrushed girls - we'll be over here, changing the world. so put your hands up if you know what you like. just roll the die! choose your next move, and roll the die! everything will be all right. just put your hands up, we are living the life. just roll the die! be who you want to be, and roll the die! and we can go all night. some of us are trying to escape all of our problems with icosahedron dice. go on and roll 'em if you got 'em! in these faraway lands filled with crazy fucking magic we can master, besting foes both evil and gigantic with fire and appropriate attire. we're ladies and sires, from the spires of the castle to the mires of wires crammed behind our desks. we're the best. we can't rest 'til we fill our minds, find every last chest. everybody's searching for the thing that gives their life some sort of meaning in the dark, a sort of spark or warm and fuzzy feeling; elder gods, general zod or something else that needs defeating in our lives, true or lie; a reason to keep breathing. we discovered it in science, in a beautiful alliance of fiction and fact. so relax, we got your back. so put your hands up if you know what you like. just roll the die! choose your next move, and roll the die! everything will be all right. just put your hands up, we are living the life. just roll the die! be who you want to be, and roll the die! and we can go all night. so put your hands up and get into the fight. just roll the die! choose your next move, and roll the die! everything will be all right. just put your hands up, you were destined to fly. just roll the die! be who you want to be, and roll the die! and we can go all night.

something's not right at the speed of light; the reactor has been destroyed. rambling on about the denouement, there is something wrong with that boy. something's not right on the blue tonight; sharp rocks we can't avoid. claimed it was he, stole the moon from the sea. yeah there is something wrong with that boy. dancing with myself like my name was billy idol, self-entitled, narcissistic droid, tearing through vinyl. the final sign was a hobo beating the shit out of a mime who was caught in the wrong place at the very wrong time. and the rhymes pour out of my face like it's a goddamn race. i efface the english language and replace it with a CGI lizard in a very pretty dress as the universe moves ahead, wholly unimpressed. i'd like to thank you for taking the time to break me out of the prison that i've been in since i've been talking about the truth, the blueshift, the new shit, the redshift, the head trip, but no one seems to get it. clocks tick on to no particular end, and anxiety and sobriety are tenuous friends, so i'm inclined to resign to my fate and keep my head down, but a life without these rhymes would just be kind of a letdown. something's not right at the speed of light, and the reactor has been destroyed. rambling on about the denouement, there is something wrong with that boy. something's not right on the blue tonight; sharp rocks we can't avoid. claimed it was he, stole the moon from the sea. yeah there is something wrong with that boy. it's like no one else can see what i see, laughing at the darkness closing in on my reality. everything that ever happened is simultaneous - the third and fourth dimensions are extraneous. brainious, stoic, and a bit of a poet, i know it. the doom is waiting in the wings for me to blow it. we're data in a transmission from an unknown universe whose physics predetermine our own. i crush hope with horrible truth. all along you thought the robot dude was coming to save you. don't even think about it, i can see that you want to, but there's three of me and only one of you. something's not right at the speed of light; and the missiles have been deployed. rambling on about the denouement, there is something wrong with that boy. something's not right on the blue tonight; sharp rocks we can't avoid. claimed it was he, stole the moon from the sea. yeah there is something wrong with that boy.

somebody casually mentions weekend at bernie's. now i can't stop thinking about a certain andrew mccarthy. what the hell has he been up to since they finished making part two, the movie where the dead dude moves around because of voodoo? so i hit IMDB. why? 'cuz i am that guy. hi, what's your name, how do you spell it? i will google you later tonight. you tell me that you're visiting here from north dakota. that's great! it became a state 31 years later than minnesota! how many people in alaska? i gotta look that up. how tall is mount shasta? i gotta look that up. what's the fastest car in the world? i gotta look that up. what's the raddest part of a girl? i gotta - ahaha... take my morning, afternoon, and evening stroll through wikipedia. too much information, too soon, and now my brain is getting greedy. my vocabulary's gotten scary since i've been buried in merriam-webster. won't purchase a ticket until i'm certain a film is 50% or fresher. i tell myself you're probably not as pissed as you seem as i'm looking down at my phone for the hours of the natural history museum. you say it's cloying and annoying as much as it ever helped. tell me, how would i have found your favorite restaurant without yelp? somebody starts playing six degrees of kevin bacon. look him up to see the latest shit that bacon's been makin'. he's been on tv, and now i'm reading tvtropes. got an email from a co-worker, gave a beatdown with a link to snopes. then cryptozoology, loch ness monster, chupacabra - they found ancient art of sasquatch painted on rocks near santa barbara! this sort of harry and the hendersons shit's a lot to take in - hang on now, john lithgow was in footloose with kevin bacon! when did plato write atlantis? i gotta look that up. is there louis prima fanfic? i gotta look that up. what's the biggest jovian moon? ganymede. is the end of the world coming soon? hehe, probably. everywhere i go, there's something else i need to know, never-ending research, and it's ch-ch-choking my flow. it doesn't even need to be a thing i give a shit about. i'm like zack morris with a crippling addiction to "time out," pausing my day, causing all kinds of delays. "hmm, you don't say? gotta fact check this story while you sit and wait." tiny screen beaming reams of information to my head, lying in your bed, instead of engaging in conversation. is the world getting smaller, or are we just getting closer? the early signs of the hive mind, designed in real-time, a meme, an idea that can only be expressed within the context of the central cortex processing pixels and text. i comply, i fall in line, i put a picture of my perfect pancakes on the online. i think it adds to the digital landscape. don't hate. just wanted to share with the world what i ate. and then i look up what you had. didn't look half bad. but for some reason i have this comment i'd like to add. i forget why i even took out my phone. i think it might have just been to keep from feeling alone.